The author sent for to court. The queen buys him of his master the farmer, and presents him to the king. He disputes with his majesty’s great scholars. An apartment at court provided for the author. He is in high favour with the queen. He stands up for the honour of his own country. His quarrels with the queen’s dwarf.
The constant labor I underwent as a public spectacle began to take a serious toll on my health. The more my master earned from me, the more insatiable his greed became. I had completely lost my appetite and was reduced to a mere skeleton. Observing my declining condition, the farmer concluded I would soon die and resolved to make as much profit from me as possible before the end. While he was considering his options, an official arrived from the palace, commanding my master to bring me to court for the diversion of the Queen and her ladies.
Her Majesty was instantly delighted by my behavior and good sense. When I was placed on her table, I fell on my knees and requested the honor of kissing her imperial foot. The gracious Princess instead held out her little finger, which I embraced with both arms, pressing the tip of it respectfully to my lips. She asked if I would be content to live at court. I bowed low and replied that although I was my master’s slave, I would be proud to devote my life to her service. Consequently, she asked the farmer if he was willing to sell me. Believing I had less than a month to live, he quickly agreed to a price of a thousand pieces of gold.
I then entreated the Queen for one favor: that Glumdalclitch, who had tended me with such devotion, might be admitted into her service to remain my nurse. The Queen readily agreed, and the farmer was happy to see his daughter preferred at court. As my former master took his leave, I offered him only a slight, cold bow. When the Queen asked why I treated him so distantly, I remarked that I owed him no gratitude beyond the fact that he had not killed me when he first found me. I explained that the drudgery he had forced upon me was enough to kill a creature ten times my strength. Under her Majesty’s protection, however, I felt my spirits revive.
The Queen was surprised to find such wit and intelligence in so diminutive an animal. She took me in her hand and carried me to the King. At first, the King—a man of grave and austere appearance—mistook me for a splacnuck, a small local animal. But when I gave a rational account of myself in my own voice, he was seized with astonishment. He initially suspected that my speeches had been taught to me by the farmer to increase my value.
To settle the matter, his Majesty sent for three great scholars. After examining my shape with great care, they reached several conflicting conclusions. They argued that I could not have been produced by the regular laws of nature, as I lacked the speed to escape predators or the strength to dig burrows. Observing my teeth, they decided I was a carnivorous animal, yet they could not imagine how such a tiny creature could catch any prey unless I fed on snails and insects. Eventually, they unanimously dismissed me as a lusus naturae, or a "freak of nature"—a convenient solution that scholars often use to explain things they do not understand.
I begged to be heard and assured the King that I came from a country where millions of people were my size, and where everything was in proportion. The King, possessing a much better understanding than his scholars, dismissed them and questioned the farmer further. Once convinced of my story, he ordered that I be treated with the utmost care.
A magnificent apartment was provided for me. The Queen’s cabinet-maker constructed a wooden box sixteen feet square with sash-windows, a door, and two closets. The ceiling could be lifted on hinges to allow Glumdalclitch to air my bed, which was made of the finest silks. I even had a tiny silver lock on my door to keep out rats.
The Queen became so fond of my company that she could not dine without me. My table was placed at her left elbow. It was a staggering sight to watch her eat; she would consume at one mouthful as much as a dozen English farmers could eat in a sitting, and her knives were twice as long as a scythe.
Every Wednesday, the entire royal family dined together. The King took great pleasure in conversing with me about the laws and government of Europe. I spoke with pride of my beloved England, our trade, our wars, and our political parties. However, after I had finished a particularly long description, the King could not help but burst into a hearty fit of laughter. He turned to his minister and remarked how contemptible human grandeur must be if it could be mimicked by such tiny insects. He mocked our titles, our "nests" that we called cities, and our constant disputes. I was filled with indignation to hear my noble country treated with such contempt, but I was in no position to resent the insult.
Nothing, however, mortified me as much as the Queen’s dwarf. Being the smallest person in the kingdom—though still nearly thirty feet tall—he felt insulted by my presence. He constantly mocked my littleness. One day, he became so angry at a remark I made that he picked me up and dropped me into a large silver bowl of cream. If I had not been a strong swimmer, I might have drowned before Glumdalclitch reached me. The dwarf was soundly whipped and eventually sent away from court, to my great relief.
I also faced constant trouble from the local flies, which were as large as larks. They buzzed around my ears and alighted on my food, leaving loathsome traces behind. The dwarf used to catch them and release them under my nose to frighten me, but I learned to defend myself by cutting them to pieces in the air with my knife.
On another occasion, while I was sitting by an open window, twenty wasps—each as large as a partridge—flew into my room. They were attracted by my breakfast and attacked me with terrifying stings. I drew my sword and fought them off, killing four of them. I removed their stings, which were as sharp as needles, and kept them as curiosities to show when I finally returned to England.