Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. He shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of England, which the author relates to him. The king’s observations thereon.
I used to attend the King’s morning receptions once or twice a week. On several occasions, I saw him under the barber’s hand, which was a terrifying sight at first, for the razor was twice as long as a common scythe. His Majesty was shaved only twice a week. One day, I persuaded the barber to give me some of the hair stumps from the King's lather. I then took a piece of fine wood and, using a needle, fixed the stumps into it to create a functional comb. This was a necessary invention, as my own comb was so broken it had become useless, and no artist in that country was delicate enough to make a replacement for a man of my size.
I spent many of my leisure hours on similar projects. I asked the Queen’s lady-in-waiting to save the strands of hair that fell from her Majesty’s head. With the help of a cabinet-maker, I constructed two small chair frames. I then wove the Queen’s strongest hairs through tiny holes to create seats and backs, similar to the cane chairs we have in England. When I presented them to the Queen, she was delighted and kept them in her cabinet as great curiosities. Though she urged me to sit on them to demonstrate their strength, I politely refused, protesting that I would never dream of placing myself upon the precious hairs that had once adorned her Majesty's head.
The King, who was a great lover of music, frequently held concerts at court. I was often brought to these in my box, but the noise was so overwhelming that I could hardly distinguish the melodies. To me, it sounded louder than a thousand drums and trumpets sounding at once. I eventually found that if I moved my box to the far end of the room and closed all the windows and curtains, the music became quite pleasant.
In my youth, I had learned to play a little on the spinet, and since Glumdalclitch had a similar instrument in her room, I decided to entertain the royal couple with an English tune. However, this proved to be an immense physical challenge. The instrument was sixty feet long, and each key was a foot wide. Even with my arms fully extended, I could only reach five keys, and pressing them down required a heavy blow with my fist. To solve this, I prepared two thick sticks and covered the ends with mouse skin. By running back and forth along a bench placed below the keys and striking them with my sticks, I managed to play an English jig. It was the most exhausting exercise I ever performed, but it gave their Majesties great satisfaction.
The King, a man of excellent understanding, frequently ordered that I be brought to his private cabinet. He would have me sit on a cabinet near his face so we could talk comfortably. One day, I took the liberty of telling him that his contempt for the rest of the world was perhaps misplaced. I argued that reason and wisdom do not depend on the size of one's body; in fact, among animals, the smallest—like bees and ants—are often the most industrious and sagacious. The King listened with great interest and asked me to give him a detailed account of the English government, hoping he might find something worthy of imitation.
I began by explaining that our country consisted of two islands divided into three mighty kingdoms. I spoke at length about the English Parliament, describing the House of Lords as a body of the most noble and ancient families, educated from birth to be counsellors to the King and champions of the nation. I added that they were joined by holy bishops who ensured the spiritual health of the people. I then described the House of Commons, which was made up of principal gentlemen freely chosen by the citizens for their great abilities and love of their country.
I moved on to our courts of justice, presided over by venerable judges who protected the innocent and punished the wicked. I mentioned our well-managed treasury, the bravery of our army and navy, and the various political parties that made up our society. I finished with a brief history of the past century in England. This entire account took five separate audiences, each lasting several hours. The King took detailed notes throughout my discourse.
In our sixth meeting, his Majesty reviewed his notes and began to propose several doubts and objections. He asked searching questions about how our young nobility were educated and what qualified a man to become a lord. He wondered if the choice was ever influenced by money, the whims of a prince, or a desire to strengthen a political party. He asked whether these lords were truly free from greed and whether the bishops were always promoted for their piety, rather than for following the opinions of powerful men.
He then turned his attention to the House of Commons. He wanted to know what methods were used to elect these representatives. He asked if a wealthy stranger might use his money to influence voters instead of their own local leaders. He found it hard to believe that gentlemen would spend such vast amounts of money to get into Parliament without receiving any salary, unless they intended to recover their costs by sacrificing the public good to a corrupt ministry.
Regarding our legal system, the King was particularly curious. He asked how much time and money were usually spent in deciding between right and wrong. He questioned whether lawyers were allowed to defend causes that were clearly unjust or oppressive, and whether their political or religious views ever influenced the scales of justice.
When we discussed the treasury, he was confused by my calculations. He noted that our taxes amounted to five or six million pounds a year, yet our expenses were often double that. He remarked that if a private person managed their finances this way, they would soon be ruined. He was also amazed to hear of a "standing army" in a time of peace. He argued that if we were truly a free people governed by our own consent, he could not imagine whom we were afraid of or against whom we had to fight.
Finally, he looked over my historical account of the last hundred years. He protested that it seemed to be nothing but a heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, and revolutions—the worst effects of cruelty, hatred, and ambition.
His Majesty then took me into his hands and stroked me gently. "My little friend," he said in a voice I shall never forget, "you have made a most admirable speech in favor of your country. You have proven that ignorance and vice are the main ingredients for a politician. You have shown that laws are best interpreted by those whose interest lies in confusing them. From what I can gather, no virtue or wisdom is required to reach any high station in your land."
He concluded with a final, devastating observation: "You have spent most of your life traveling, and I hope you have escaped many of the vices of your people. But from everything you have told me, I cannot but conclude that the bulk of your natives are the most pernicious race of little, odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."